You’ve got a friend in me – making friends in a foreign city
Making friends in a foreign city can take time. Kevin Loo collects anecdotes from foreigners and Czechs to find out what it’s like to find genuine friendship during life abroad.
Making real, genuine friendships is challenging enough in ordinary circumstances. Without the anchoring of childhood, school or family circles, those who move to another country have to venture even further from their comfort zones to find friends. This makes the process as challenging as it is rewarding (when it works out). I collected stories from my social circles, locals and foreigners alike, to uncover the highs and lows of making friends during life abroad.
For many, the first port of call these days is through online platforms. Social media algorithms are more powerful than ever, making the search for people with similar interests as easy as a tap of your phone screen. It may be as simple as finding someone who matches your aesthetic, or someone who goes to the same concerts as you. A like-minded community is never far in today’s perpetually online world.
Of course, this will never match the reality of physical presence, which is why digital friendship is often a gateway to organising a meet-up over coffee or beer, or coordinating which secret techno pop-up event to go to on the weekend.
Jonathan shares his experience of moving to Berlin from his home of Prague as being daunting but ultimately rewarding. With a history in the influencer sphere, he admits that people initially flocked to him for his ‘follower clout’. This proved frustrating, but once he was able to filter out the noisy masses, he found genuine connections.
“Be outgoing, be proactive. I think this is the one thing that people forget. You have to be proactive and let go of your pride a bit - just knock on doors! DM people! You have to have a lot of initiative. At first, it might be uncomfortable, but go ahead and say, ‘Let's meet. Let's meet for lunch. Yes, let's get drinks’ and then push them to make that meet-up!”
While browsing online, one may also find events organised by expatriate associations, cultural organisations, and even embassies specifically designed to bring people together. While immersing yourself in the local culture is essential, connecting with fellow nationals from your home country can provide a sense of familiarity and support.
Such events could revolve around food, music, or just the opportunity to speak in your mother tongue. Whether it’s bonding over obstacles faced at the immigration police, or sharing tips on where to find authentic flavours of home, such meet-ups are always invaluable.
Valentina and her husband moved to Prague from Spain. While she works at a school, he works from home, thus adding another layer of social necessity to getting out of their comfort zones.
“It’s just nice to hear other people speaking Spanish. We come from many different parts of Spain but still we can meet, drink sangria and laugh together. My husband is a bit more outgoing than me and he makes friends everywhere he goes, but for me, the opportunity to speak in my own language is the most attractive option”.
There is also the opportunity to build a home away from home by gravitating towards outsiders from completely disparate backgrounds. It’s not uncommon to be seated at a table with people from every continent represented. That shared feeling of ‘We’re all lost here in Prague together’ becomes an instant social glue.
Hannah, from the US, speaks conversational Czech and enjoys getting to know locals. She admits however that finding other English-speakers is always the easier alternative.
“Even if I lived in another country [not Czechia], I think the tendency to go towards other foreigners over locals is just easier to do. They know where you’re coming from with your struggles and your mentalities. Whereas a local already has an established friend group, they already have their hobbies and traditions and they’ve known the same group of people maybe their entire lives.”
One of the most effective ways Hannah found friends was through clubs and community groups. Moving to Prague as a student provided her with a plethora of opportunities to become involved in student societies. It took her a while before she finally found her niche in knitting, as well as a supportive church group. Even so, the depth of friendship sometimes leaves a little to be desired.
“My social network is not so deeply rooted. It’s more like grass. It’s very surface level, but I now have friends in every country, and a couch to sleep on in every capital in Europe! Maybe they aren’t my best friends and so I don’t think I have a lot of very close friendships, but I grew up like that [as a kid who moved around a lot] anyway, so I’m used to it.”
Linda, from South Korea, shares similar thoughts about connecting through local social clubs. Initially meeting through student groups, she felt compelled to broaden her network when she didn’t “vibe” with the typical international student experience.
She says that with limited Czech language ability, one does have a limited pool of friends to choose from. But by pushing herself to try new things – LGBTQ clubs, bouldering, dance, roller-skating - she opened herself to new opportunities she never would have never foreseen.
“The roller-skating community has been a really nice surprise as a friendship group. I had to commit to showing up regularly and [now] it has become a very large pillar in my life. I’m also super happy that there are lots of local Czechs involved! But also still quite international.”
From the local Czech perspective, I asked Petr what his view was of foreigners looking to create a new life here. As Hannah observed, the largest obstacle to getting to know locals is breaking into already existing circles. Whether it’s through work or school, Petr agrees that these circles have pre-existing years of history that a newcomer, Czech or otherwise, would find challenging to integrate into (even regional differences such as those who come from Moravia moving to Prague can be enough to create a barrier).
Despite appearances of being cold or aloof however, Petr shares that most Czechs, especially of his generation of millennial or younger, are genuinely curious to get to know foreigners. It’s the language barrier and innate Czech nervousness with English that creates a major stumbling block.
“English is not as common as you think (especially outside Prague). But from my experience, when someone I know makes a contact with a foreigner, they are usually thrilled to learn aspects of another culture.”
Admittedly, without pre-existing mutual connections, it is very difficult to ‘have an in’. For Petr and I, our wives share school history and so we became friends through that. With that one genuine connection, often a domino effect can arise.
Linda shares that being open to such unexpected friendships is key. It leads to more networking, more incidental meetings and eventually deeper friendships. With time, you never know who you can meet via mutual friends, and friends of friends. However, time also proves to be the biggest enemy in fostering long-lasting deep friendships.
“I’ve been here ten years and throughout my time, so many friends have moved to other cities. I think it’s because a lot of times for them, Prague was a transitional city and they weren’t going to stay for a long time. My friendship groups have changed a lot over the years because so many have come and gone.”
This tension between unpredictable adventure and the desire for deep roots and relationship is a recurring theme for life in a foreign country. It takes a combination of bravery and humility to step forward and seek out friendship.
Author and sociopolitical commentator Richard Reeves said, “One of the necessary steps to making a friend is admitting that you want to make a friend, to being open to that. That requires a certain vulnerability…and actually saying ‘I need a friend’ is maybe one of the hardest sentences that any human being can utter”.
Ultimately, humans will always be social creatures, and regardless of language or cultural background, there are many opportunities for us to make connections. All it takes is a step out into the unknown, and for those who have moved to a foreign country, we’re no strangers to doing so.
