A Moravian manifesto

A beautiful land of great wine, mediocre beer, long vowels and good-hearted if slow people – that’s Moravia, the eastern part of the Czech Republic. The Czechs are so jealous of their older brothers that they fear any mention of their existence. Well, the time has come to claim what’s ours, or else.

By all standards, the Czech Republic is a small country. It’s roughly the size of Nebraska, with a population smaller than that of London. Yet it consists of three historical regions – Bohemia, Moravia and a tiny part Silesia, which doesn’t really count.

What does count is Moravia, once the cradle of the Czech civilization, which has since its time of glory become some sort of mythical Neverland, where people are nicer, girls are prettier, and life is slower, just like the minds of its good-natured folk.

Moravian Eagle

Moravians were among the first Slavic peoples to embrace Christianity, and enjoyed a loose union with Bohemia and its Czechs. But then, in December 1185, the Bohemian armies invaded the peaceful Moravian land and defeated its proud people. Ever since then, things went downhill for the Moravians. The Habsburgs did formally recognize Moravia as an entity, and so did Czechoslovakia – founded by Moravia’s Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk. The historic land kept its formal borders until the communist era, when in the 1960s, Moravia was divided in two parts and robbed of some of its territory, an injustice that has continued until now. As the Brno poet Jan Skácel once said, its name only appeared in national weather forecasts and folk songs.

After the fall of communism, Moravians spoke up once again, when more than 13 percent of the country’s inhabitants said they were Moravian, and their party made it briefly to Parliament. But after the split of Czechoslovakia, the Czechs again subdued Moravia, and its people become weary and ignorant of higher matters.

Many of us have since fled to Prague, where we continue to suffer the sniggers of locals for the way we speak, and for alleged general backwardness. The expression “moravsky muž” even made it to the lingo of some American expats.

But the things will change soon enough. The Moravian Liberation Army has formed in Brno, which aims to do away with the many injustices. Its first operation should involve a parade in one of Brno’s busiest streets, Česká, that will be renamed Moravská on this occasion. You can join the army every Wednesday on Brno’s Freedom Square.

Should this not work, Moravians have a deadlier weapon in store. In the elections, they will vote (as polls indicate) for the Social Democrats, ensuring their victory. Czechs despise party leader Jiří Paroubek, a native of the Moravian city of Olomouc – but he will become their prime minister and maybe even president.

One of his predecessors, President Masaryk, knew what he was talking about when he said the Moravian question was the touchtone of Czech politics.